Dear Sharon,

We have two sons, 8 & 12. Our older son is a terrific soccer player and is slim and fit. Our youngest son is pudgy and overeats. He has the opposite personality and lacks activity. His favorite past time is reading, TV and video games and he snacks constantly. What should we do? I am very concerned about him, his health and his future.

Dear Parents,

As a mom of three sons I have learned that children can be very different even if they are siblings. It seems that your boys are no exception.

It is important for parents to view their children as unique individuals and to take plenty of time to praise each of their strengths while sorting through effective ways to assist them with their challenges.

Your younger son is not alone; many children today tend to drift towards sedentary activities that are unfortunately accompanied by excessive snacking.

When I have met with parents confronting similar issues I have suggested they keep in mind the following ideas.

Younger brothers often feel less competent than their older brothers especially when it comes to physical prowess. Living with an older slim and fit athlete can “eat away” at a younger boy’s self-confidence.

I often suggest that parents spend some relaxed time with a child, especially one who might have low self-esteem, before helping them with a problem In your case that might mean joining your son while he is reading books, watching TV or playing video games. Stepping into a child’s world can help parents worry less, understand their child’s point of view and reassure the young one that anxiety and suggestions are not the main component in parent-child interactions.

After relaxing with a child, parents usually find it easier to bring up difficult topics like getting more exercise, playing fewer video games or eating healthier snacks. Sometimes parents are quick to offer solutions to complicated problems such as these. Parental advice can of course be useful but it can be good to elicit a few of the child’s suggestions as well. The ability to strategize with Mom and Dad can build a young ones confidence and produce some pretty good ideas!

It can also help for Mom and Dad to suggest some specific physical activity that they know their child will enjoy. For parents of siblings I often propose that they offer different kinds of activities for each child especially if ongoing comparisons between brothers or sisters are an issue. Children (and for that matter adults) who have been sedentary often resist such suggestions at first but it is often useful if Moms and Dads try not to take an initial negative reaction too seriously.

It can be very important for adults to join their child in the activity, in part to make sure the experience turns out to be fun for their little one. Bike riding, swimming, walking, kite flying, or roller blading are some of many examples of past times that can provide great summer fun. If parent and child are interested in playing competitive games, it can be exciting and help build a child’s self esteem to set the game up so that the young person wins. A younger sibling in particular will benefit from doing better than the person they are playing.

Summers can be an excellent time to help a child develop a more active personality. Parents I know who have managed to appreciate the strengths of their sedentary children, avoid comparisons with their more athletic siblings, spend some time enjoying their company, engage in discussions that address their concerns and play fun physical games together find that things improve. Have fun!

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Dear Sharon,

Give me some advice please as to how to deal with brothers who are constantly fighting with each other. One is 10 and the other is 8 and they are always fighting. It makes me crazy. Help!

A worried Mom with a big headache!

Dear worried Mom,

It is not at all unusual for siblings, especially ones who are close in age, to fight.

In spite of how hard it is for a parent to listen to brothers fighting, it is important to remember that siblings usually have a close and meaningful relationship that is one of the strongest they will experience in their lifetime. When anyone (a child or an adult) has a close relationship with someone they often show them every worry, stress and tension that is in their head by “being in a bad mood around them.” When two brothers are upset about ANYTHING they can easily pick on each other and Moms and Dads just as easily can end up with headaches.

It can be difficult to control the sibling fights once they break out especially if parents end up getting as frustrated as their children when things escalate (a very common reaction). Many parents I know have separated siblings until they calm down, begun an engaging activity to lower stress or have “gotten out of the house” to change the topic. These options are excellent but are not always practical and unfortunately don’t always work.

When parents come to me for help with sibling tension, I often suggest that they direct some of their efforts into the underlying causes of sibling rivalry and try at least one of the following:

1. Spend time alone with each child. Some of the tension between siblings comes from competitive feelings about not getting enough attention from Mom or Dad. To siblings it can often seem like the other child is “hogging” all of the attention even if it isn’t true. When a child spends one on one time with a parent, they get to do things without sibling input or interference and with a greater chance of getting Mom or Dad’s undivided attention. This can free up the time and set up conditions for a young person to talk to their parent about what is on their mind. They also often get to relax and get away from the usual hubbub of family life. Such calm, quality time can be rewarding for both parent and child and usually contributes to an easier family life. Scheduling regular (even weekly) time alone with children can give them something to look forward to and can be particularly useful when sibling fighting is at a high pitch.

2. Help each of your children develop rewarding social lives and confidence building activities that are separate from their siblings at least some of the time. If a particular brother or sister has a hard time making friends, rarely gets time away from a sibling to develop relationships and/or has limited interests or hobbies to boost confidence and self esteem then sibling tension can easily increase. Fighting can escalate even more if one child is feeling frustrated or insecure while the other appears less distraught and/or more confident and capable. In such a case the “less confident little one” can easily show his competitive feelings with his sibling in a negative way. Kind and thoughtful parental guidance – such as setting up independent and successful play dates that go well, having some kind of party or social event (even a small one) that will make a worried sibling happy, or enrolling a child in a sport or after school program that could build self esteem can really help. If the “ more unhappy” sibling feels better about himself than conflicts at home can be reduced.

3. Parents can arrange for physically energizing family activities that give the siblings a chance to be on the “same team” against a common “foe”. Physical games can move everyone out of the house (usually helpful to everyone) and let off some steam and built up emotional pressure. Playing a variety of outdoor sports can give children a chance to be successful together rather than frustrated and angry at each other. One effective way to accomplish this is to set up children versus parents teams. This way the parents can help the children work together to compete and hopefully win against a different “enemy.” The experience can help reduce tension and increase bonding for everyone in a family.

Siblings who fight a lot as children often grow up to have close relationships as adults. While you are waiting for you sons to “grow up” and get along, try to remember that sibling rivalry is very common and simple, effective solutions are not readily available to many parents. Helping children fight less usually takes time, patience and a variety of parental solutions.

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Dear Sharon,

My son is 11 and he is pretty certain that he is old enough to chaperone his 9-year-old brother when we go out for an evening. He thinks he’s ready to handle personal responsibility and we’re not agreeing. Many of his friends are in fact being left alone for some reasons, and he complains that we treat him like a baby. What do you think? How does a parent determine these things? He’s ticked off at having a “baby sitter”

Dear Parent,

Requests to be left home alone can be very common at this age as many pre-teens are eager to “spread their wings” and begin to experience the independent spirit of adolescence.

As you mentioned in your question, some parents leave an 11 year old home alone, but leaving two siblings home without adult supervision can be a more complicated decision. Leaving two children means that the older child is taking on “parental roles” for two people instead of just one. The extra responsibility can be a lot to juggle (even if the children disagree) and can exacerbate problems that occur in many sibling relationships (teasing, bossiness, belittling, fighting, etc.)

On the other hand if parents feel their children might be ready to
“baby sit each other” the added trust and respect from adults can in some cases build confidence, increase maturity and end up strengthening sibling relationships.

Your question is obviously not an easy one to answer.

Some parents with more than one child decide to wait until their children are older before leaving them home alone. Parents who decide to do this often think of ways to give the older sibling some personal responsibilities, freedoms or special attention that are not given to the younger one. Others tell their children that they are asking the baby sitter to watch the younger child and to leave the older child “alone”; letting the pre-teen behave like they are in the house by themselves. Recognizing the importance of pre-teen requests even if they are not met can help make a big brother or sister feel a bit more respected and understood

Other parents begin the process of letting their children be home by themselves by trying out a short amount of unsupervised time. These parents often set very clear guidelines for behavior before leaving and make sure there is plenty of food and at least one fun thing to do (one or more activities that will not cause friction of any kind). The parents then phone while they are out to see how things are going. Children’s tone of voice is often a good indicator of what is really going on. It is also important to gauge if their children’s relationship has improved or gotten worse by the time they arrive home.

If all rules are kept, the children seem to have enjoyed each other’s company, and the house is still in one piece many parents feel comfortable trying again for a longer period of time. If any of those conditions are not present they usually decide to keep hiring the baby sitter and wait quite a while before trying again.

If a parent feels their children are doing well without supervision, I often suggest that they only sporadically rely on an older sibling for childcare. The novelty of watching a younger sister or brother can wear off and begin to feel annoying or burdensome if it happens too often. Sibling relationships are usually challenging enough without adding any extra troubles.

The closer parents get to having a teenager the more they are likely to hear the “everyone else is doing it” phrase. In spite of what your teen is saying and what other parents might be doing there are many factors involved in parental decisions. Every family has their own individual personalities and rhythms that no else can fully understand. and most parents know their children better than anyone else possibly could.

You sound like you have a hunch that your sons are not ready to be alone yet. I generally trust parental hunches; good luck as you take your time to figure this out.

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Hi Sharon,
I have two children, 2 and 4. My four year old is beyond active. He’s a full time job and when I’m in the park or at a playground with them, he’s always taking off lickety split and running out of the secured area. I’m going crazy! Any suggestions for how I can manage both of them at the same time in an outdoor setting? I’ve run out of patience and just feel like crying.
Overworked parent

Dear overworked parent,

My best wishes are extended to all parents juggling two young children at the same time; it is rarely easy. A four-year-old’s boundless enthusiasm is often a hard thing for an adult to keep up with, especially when a two year old who needs to be carefully monitored is close by. Rest assured, it is possible for outdoor play with both children to go well but it is probably going to take some thought and organization before you leave for your excursion. Boredom may be a factor for your four year old. If the park or playground you choose has things that hold his interest it will help but even so you may need to bring extra excitement with you. Sidewalk chalk, vehicles to ride, balls, bubbles or art supplies all could make a difference.

Even with extra activities, often the ideal way to hold your son’s interest is to give him someone to play with.

This probably means going to the playground or park with some company if at all possible. You, another adult or a child friend are all good choices. If you have another adult with you it will give you a chance to run or play with your son while someone else keeps his or her eye on your two-year-old. Or it can give you some nice playtime with your little one without being distracted by his older brother.

This person could be a friend, relative or even a teenage helper who can offer a smiling face and an extra set of hands and eyes. If you can arrange for a four-year-old friend to come along it could be more work for you but it can also relieve boredom and help your son figure out fun things to play in the confined area.

The more people you know the easier it is to set up play dates and arrange outdoor excursions with lots of people involved. This could be a good time to get to know as many people as you can. A good place to start might be the park or playground you mentioned. It is very possible that there are other parents running out of patience and on the verge of crying who would be happy to respond to a friendly hello from another Mom or Dad, especially one who understands. They might become a friend, a casual acquaintance or someone who knows about resources that can help out in other ways. Even a little contact with other parents can help sort things through. Whether you have company or are alone make sure you remind your child of your outdoor rules, such as staying inside the secured area, BEFORE you arrive at your destination. Going over your guidelines several times can help. Once there give lots of positive feedback when he sticks to the rules and be calm and firm the minute he even begins to veer off course. As hard as it may be, try and resist losing your patience. I know this is easier said that done but f you act quickly, calmly and firmly his behavior is more likely to improve.
If your child stays within the boundary you can offer him a concrete reward on the way home, a special treat to say thank you for his efforts.

One of the most important things to remember in response to your question is that older siblings crave the one-on-one attention they use to have before their sibling arrived. Although it may seem unrelated to the challenge in your question, one-on-one contact with Mom or Dad can go a long way to helping your son be more responsive to your guidance. I strongly recommend that you set aside an hour each week to spend time alone with your older child. During that time let him pick what you do together, he may even want to go and run in the park without having to adhere to two-year-old boundaries.

Good luck with your hefty workload, the time you put in to make this period go well can make a big difference in another year or two when you will most likely be confronting a different set of challenges.

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Dear Sharon,

Our oldest son, (12), is spending two weeks at sleep away camp this summer for the first time. His younger brother, (7), is explosive on the subject. He is SO jealous and angry! How can we explain to him that he’s just not ready, and that we’re not ready for him to go away? He’s acting very angry at his brother and my husband and I want to find a way to put peace back into our house.

Thanks!!!

Dear Mom and Dad,

Even with the recent explosions at home, I think this summer could turn out to be a very good one for both of your children. For your 12 year, old sleep away camp could be a wonderful place to make new friends and build self confidence.

For your 7 year old a summer separate from his older brother could provide an excellent opportunity to have his parents all to himself, something that may have rarely happened before. Children of all ages can feel uneasy when “transitions” happen in and outside of their home. They sometimes prefer to have routines stay unchanged particularly if they are happy with the way things are.

Saying good bye to classmates for the summer, beginning a new activity, or in your younger son’s case living without his brother for a few weeks can be unsettling. This partly explains the explosive nature of your 7 year old’s reaction, one that is actually not uncommon. Younger siblings can easily feel “left out” when their older siblings go off to do things with their own age group. They can feel like they will never quite catch up to the older one’s capabilities and privileges. They can’t tell that those differences are connected to age and will come their way sooner than they can imagine.

One thing that may ease the tension is to talk to your younger son about specific activities you will do with him while his brother is away.

One idea would be for the three of you to take a trip, one that might be just right for someone his age and too “babyish” for his older brother might be ideal. You could present several ideas to your son and let him pick the one that seems the best. The more time the trip takes the better it will be. Since you mentioned he is angry at his Dad right now it might also he a great opportunity for the two of them to go off alone on a father son adventure. If a trip is not possible there are other ways to use this “only one child at home” time. If one or both of you work you could take him to the office with you for all or part of the day.

Each of you could also take a day off to spend time with him to do special things as well. When you pick the day you will set aside for your son, tell him about it ahead of time, listen to his ideas about what he might like to do and then plan accordingly. Spending one on one time with a child usually helps lower tensions. a great deal.

It is important to remember that you are not alone figuring out how to handle explosive sibling jealousies. As I mentioned in my April column “Sibling relationships are usually some of the most intense and important relationships anyone has.”
As is true in the course of any important relationship jealousies can surface. I have raised three sons (the youngest is now 19) and over the course of many years of parenting I have often heard things like, “I can’t believe you let him do ______, you would never let me do that,” along with statements like: “I hate him,” “You treat him so much better than you treat me,” “he is such a pain, why do you put up with him”. One thing that I have tried to remember when one of them is complaining about the other one is that I need to try to be quiet and listen to what they have to say before giving out my words of wisdom.
(This has NOT been easy).

I have come to believe that listening to what they have to say about each other when they are young can strengthen their bonds tremendously as they get older. I think this kind of understanding and support can also help them handle difficult neighborhood and school relationships and can help reduce at home tensions in the short term as well.

Unfortunately I can’t promise that my suggestions will immediately lower the explosive nature of the conversations in your home, but I hope they will help everyone in your family have a wonderful summer, one each of you could remember for a long time. You might even want to repeat some of it next year! Good luck and enjoy.

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Hi Sharon,
HELP!!!!! Our two kids seem to be constantly fighting with each other. It’s pushing me past the point of no return. What tips do you have for how I can deal with this? It is unbearable to live with this constant conflict, and I’m at my wits end.

Dear “at my wits end” parents,

Thanks for the question that is on the minds of every parent with more than one child.

Sibling relationships, whether they have fighting in them or not, are usually some of the most intense and important relationships anyone has. No matter how it sometimes looks, your children adore and trust each other more than almost anyone else they know.

Having said that, sibling tension is extremely common. If parents are too busy, overwhelmed or unusually cranky, children can easily become on edge. If one sibling is in a bad mood about these issues or anything else, another sibling is sure to hear about it. Children usually aren’t able to calmly talk about things that bother them, they just get upset and pick a fight.

Here are some tips that might help.

1) Try to have regular time on the weekend or after school that you spend alone with each child doing something they choose to do. This gives you a chance to enjoy your child and to remember who they are separate from all the conflict. Times alone with Mom or Dad are precious to children. When children feel connected to their parents they are usually more confident and relaxed and sibling tension can decrease.

2) Make sure each sibling has an active social life apart from their brother or sister. Setting up play dates for individual siblings that help solidify friendships can help a great deal. If possible see if you can arrange for the sibling who is not part of the playdate to be occupied doing something engaging with you or someone else. Siblings have to share their parents, toys, space, and lots more; if they have to regularly share their closest friends this can turn into another source of problems.

3) If your living space permits, try to identify closets, toy chests, special places, etc. where each sibling can store the things that are important to them. As much as siblings enjoy each other’s company and learn from each other’s strengths and weaknesses, they need to have some interests and spaces that are uniquely theirs.

4) Remember to enjoy and praise all of your children, even if their interests and personalities are very different. Comments like “your brother could read when he was your age”, can easily increase sibling rivalry. Help each child find activities that they enjoy and go out of your way to appreciate their unique successes.

5) Meet and talk to other parents with more than one child, it can be useful to find out that you are not alone with your frustrations. You could also pick up some helpful strategies. Workshops or groups on the topic can also be useful. I will be conducting a workshop for Parents of Siblings on Saturday April 17th from 10:30 – Noon in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Call the number listed below if you are interested in attending.
These are just a few ideas to answer a question that could easily have a much longer response. I hope they prove helpful. All my best wishes as you tackle the challenging but endlessly rewarding job of raising more than one child.

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