Dear Sharon,

Our next-door neighbor’s son is a bully. He is 12 years old, sizeable and formidable. I know he’s a bully because my 10-year-old son is one of his many victims. I don’t know what to do or how to begin to deal with this situation. My son is afraid of retribution if I take action, but I think to do nothing is more terrifying for everyone. What do you say?

Dear Parent,

I am sorry to hear about this all too common problem.

It is often challenging, although necessary, to conduct a thoughtful and effective adult intervention when bullying occurs. It can be particularly difficult when tensions come from a “formidable” neighbor who is an ongoing presence in a child’s life.

There is rarely a simple solution to repeated intimidations but here are some possible steps to think through as you tackle the problem.

I think it is important for parents to play a role in the resolution of bullying. It is often useful for Moms and/or Dads to enlist advice and specific assistance from a variety of sources who can keep discussions confidential. Taking time to brainstorm and strategize with trusted family members, friends, and/or school, religious or community advisors before acting can help generate ideas that can effectively stop the problem. It is not uncommon for children like your son to fear retribution. Unfortunately those fears are not unfounded, all the more reason to have any parental actions be carefully thought out beforehand. Impulsive responses, an understandable reaction to bullying, are sometimes effective but can also lead to complications in the long run.

Of course one possible solution would be for an adult to talk directly to the child and/or his or her family. However, it can be useful to remember that bullies are frequently experiencing family discord or hardship that is spilling over onto others. Those underlying issues might have to be addressed or at least understood to have interventions go well.

While sorting through ways to stop the harassment I suggest that Moms and/or Dads in your position set aside ample time to listen to the details of their child’s experiences and then provide good counsel about any steps that might be taken to interrupt the behavior (avoiding the bully, not responding, asking for help from others, etc.). Finding additional support through school or community resources (counseling and or support groups in or outside of school) can prove invaluable for a child even when stopping the problem is not quick or easy to do.

Parents are understandably upset and worried when their child is being bullied and also need plenty of support and good counsel. If Mom and Dad can sort through their own emotions it is easier for them to provide the calm and reassuring emotional support and practical strategizing that a child needs during this time.

I am sorry to hear about your son’s dilemma. I know many parents who have sorted through viable solutions to handle bullies over time. I wish you well as you do the same.

Z.and his Mom came to see me because he was upset after his teacher had kept him from going out at recess several times recently. Z. had received the consequence for refusing to follow a basic rule of the school. At the end of lunch hour when a teacher blew a whistle telling students to “freeze: in place” before listening to some brief announcements and getting on line to return to class Z. had run around,”become goofy,” and been generally disruptive.

When Z. visited my office I listened to him complain about his “unfair punishment” for quite a while before asking if there was a reason for the consequence.

Z. seemed to have a legitimately hard time understanding that anything he had done contributed to the problem even though many people (his teacher, lunch time staff, and Mom and Dad) had repeatedly talked to him about his behavior.

Knowing Z. to be a smart and caring child I decided to use my array of stuffed animals to help him think through his dilemna. Scattering the minature creatures over my office floor I explained that these toys were going to be like the children in his school at the end of lunch. Handing Z. a small xylophone I asked him to play a few notes when it was time for the “students” to line up. He happily complied.

The “children” cooperated for a while and Z. enjoyed making announcements and getting the bears and bunnies to their classrooms on time. Then I made one rowdy stuffed rabbit run around and refuse to quiet down. Disconcerted by the uncooperative “student” Z. could see how one person’s “fun” could cause problems for the group and looked at me knowingly.

“Now that you understand the rule, do you think you will be able to stand still when the teacher blows the whistle?” I asked. “No,” he said honestly.

“I think you could if we practice” I replied. Taking the xylophone from Z. I played notes asking him to “freeze” when I did. After a few minutes of review he kept perfectly still on cue.

Our talk took an hour but by the end Z. was proud and surprised that he was accomplishing this relatively simple exercise in self discipline.

The next day Z. went into school and explained to his friends that it was a good idea to stand still when the whistle blew, showing them how to do it.

Sometimes it helps to patiently explain the “obvious” to children in a calm and respectful tone (often understandably hard for parents to do while juggling the many pressures of family life). However whenever possible patient and caring dialogues can reduce upset and build confidence for parents and young people.

One Way I Made a Small Dent in My Children’s Sibling Rivalries.

My biological son, S, had a lot of brothers and sisters. Two older stepsiblings, a younger sister with health problems and an even younger adopted brother. He had lots of reasons to feel crowded and frustrated when he was young.

When S was three years old and I was very busy coping with his sister’s needs I tried to set up space for him to let me know how he was doing with all the attention that she was getting. A sturdy rag doll I called “Pretend Elizabeth” helped.

S was and still is a kind person who tends to withdraw and get moody when upset but when I explained about the toy and handed him “Pretend Elizabeth” it immediately went flying across the room. I would retrieve the doll and in seconds it would end up soaring to new heights and distances. In times of stress it became a popular and helpful game that gave S some chance to express how things had been going for him.

When S’s adopted brother, H, arrived S. was older and dolls were no longer useful. I decided to try and listen whenever S complained about H as much as I could. I never had to set up the opportunity to do so as S almost always had something to say about his brother. H had unlimited complaints about S as well.

This phenomenon was at times true for all of my children. I was cautiously optimistic that remembering to listen to their seemingly endless complaints would reduce the times that they shared their upsets with each other. While listening I would stay relatively calm and impartial almost pretending to agree with their grievances.

I think they appreciated my efforts to offer a sounding board to their partially legitimate concerns. Sometimes when they were finished we would strategize things that might help resolve the difficulties they were trying to sort through.

Although I did many things to help everyone “get along” (spending time alone with each one, mediating disagreements, asking for cooperation when needed, etc.) I think the time I spent listening to them made a difference.